A Travellerspoint blog

The Beginning - Self Realisation

I had known for several years back that I wasn't feeling myself and my happiness lay elsewhere.... So it was no surprise to me when I asked my wife of 10 years for a divorce awhile back. But a definite surprise to many who felt that we held the charade up all to well. It was indeed the hardest thing to do, especially knowing that I would be hurting her, my almost 5 year old son and family and friends. A divorce in an East Indian culture is the hardest thing for family to handle. I get it... yet I cannot even begin to explain why I chose to make this decision.

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The last year has been an emotional journey... one that has brought out a very different side of me. It has been a lonely, frightening and scary journey filled with a lot of guilt for most part of it. I need to set myself free from this. My family may never ever probably understand nor accept my decision, but time will tell.

This is my journey to be true to myself, believe in myself, love myself and make me a much better person, a better father, a trustworthy and loyal friend and maybe one day an equal and deserving partner. And today, it leads me on my first journey of self exploration since 2004.

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A week back, I was having coffee with my friend Amanda and she looked me point blank in the eye and told me that I should just get away for a couple of weeks, shut myself down and focus on myself. Even though I knew she was right, I just couldn't help worrying about things! THINGS that just flashed before my eyes were:

  • budget time at work, how can I step away? Will I get any vacation at short notice
  • leaving my son to go far far away to vacation (no matter how you spin it)
  • will she be able to manage things with me not being around in close vicinity?
  • I need to do renovation work in the condo before I transition into the place
  • what about the finances!
  • my parents asked me to come see them, why would I be selfish to do otherwise?
  • what would happen if something happened to me, i don't even have my will ready!

And then it dawned on me..... all these were excuses....!!! I was truly scared!!! I wasn't in control off things ... I didn't feel that I could do this on my own.....!!! The self realisation had begun! I am just a normal human being that has feelings and emotions just like anyone.

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Right now, I am on my first leg of my trip, sitting in Vancouver International Airport awaiting my adventure. So far, all I know is that I am boarding Japan Airlines (JL17) at 1pm and will be flying into Narita International (Tokyo). This is how my schedule looks like today....

  • Edmonton to Vancouver (November 12)
  • Vancouver to Tokyo (November 12)
  • Tokyo to Taipei (November 19)
  • Taipei to Edmonton (via Vancouver) (November 23)

I am backpacking myself with NO checked in luggage. I am sitting in Vancouver International Airport and am yet to get my boarding pass to Tokyo. Trust me the thought of just leaving everything and going back has crossed my mind.

I am scared... yet a big part of me is excited to see the adventure that lies in front of me. I am ready for this, I have to be....!!!! :)

Posted by soulsearch295 15:38 Archived in Canada Tagged vancouver

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